Why We Judge Others and What to Do Instead
Posted: Tuesday, November 18, 2008
by Krystal Kuehn
New Day Counseling
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~Mother Theresa Instead of unconditionally accepting people for who they are, why do we judge them? There are many reasons we all fall into this trap. Let us look at just a few. We might judge others because:
> They are different from us.
> They do not agree with us.
> They hurt us or offended us.
> We feel rejected, accused, or insulted.
> We expect or look for the worst in them.
> We are angry at them.
> We want to hurt them or get them back.
Sometimes we are quick to judge or form an opinion about others when we do not really know them or their motives. We condemn them before we know the facts or truth about a matter. How often we make quick judgments!
We cannot be truly happy and fulfilled when we judge, criticize, or hate people. We do not have to agree with them or like their ways. We do not have to allow the hurt they may have caused to bring out the worst in us. I love this quote by Booker T. Washington. He said, "I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." Is that what we sometimes do when we judge others-allow our souls to be narrowed and degraded by choosing to hate them?
This powerful quote brings up a great point. It reminds us that we have the power to choose how we will respond to others. It is far too easy to judge and criticize the person instead of the behavior. If we will distinguish between the two, we will be less likely to judge others and more likely to have proper respect and love for all people.
I'd like to share a classic story with you about making quick judgments. Nathan the prophet was sent by God to King David to tell him this story: There were two men in a certain town. One was rich and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle
The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man's own plate, and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, He took the poor man's lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.
Now, after David heard this, he was furious. As surely as the Lord lives, he vowed, any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay 4 lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity. Then Nathan said to David, "You are that man!" ( 2 Samuel 12)
You see, King David had many wives, but he wanted Bathsheba-the only wife of Uriah. After committing adultery with her, she became pregnant. David then arranged for Uriah's death, thinking he would never be found out. That is, until he was confronted by Nathan. David was quick to cast judgment on the rich man in the story and condemn him to death.
How quickly we can find fault with others and pronounce our judgment upon them without seeing our own faults or dealing with our own problems. When confronted, David saw himself for who he was. He made no excuses. And at that point he knew he had no right to judge anyone but himself.
We are all guilty of judging and condemning others at times. But we can be encouraged because when we work on bettering ourselves, we spend less time judging others, trying to fix them or change them. We have plenty of work to do on ourselves if we want to be our best. And we can do it when our focus is one being the best that we can be.
I encourage you to look for the best in others & to bring out the best in yourself! Krystal
People judge by outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7
Copyright © 2008 BeHappy4Life.com , written by Krystal Kuehn
This article is based on the BeHappy4Life Audio Podcast: Why We Judge Others & What to Do Instead by Krystal Kuehn.
Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist , author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling , a family marriage counseling and child teen counseling center, BeHappy4Life.com , an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems , baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy!
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Krystal,An excellent article. In my opinion, some of the harshest condemnations come from those who claim to be God's people. Be well.
Hi Krystal.A very good article. I've heard it said that the things we like least in others are the very flaws that our present in our own characters. I'm not sure I would agree with that in all cases, but there is truth in it.Well done,Dianne
Amen Krystal!
Krystal, you make good points in your article. Unfortunately we all judge people; that infamous "first impression" is based on a quick judgement call. In addition, too many people feel that saying anything harsh or derogatory is judgemental and we shouldn't do that because it could hurt their feelings. Lucky for us there are some folks who aren't worried about being politically correct and don't mind sharing the truth. Is it judgemental to tell an alcoholic "you have a drinking problem and need to get help"? Is it wrong to inform a married friend that you know he's having an affair and needs to stop it and seek counseling? Is it judgemental to call the police when you suspect an adult of child abuse? If so, thank God for people who are willing to be judgemental! The word has taken on a negative connotation of late; it's time people need to put some balance back in the world and realize that without some judgement our society would fall apart and we would live in anarchy.
Krystal, you've shared so many Truths in this article. I never tire of hearing the one about David's quick judgment of what he was guilty of himself. I feel when we pass judgment that is meant for our Lord and Savior, we risk leaving room in our hearts to love them.
I'm like Danny, calling a spade a spade, so to speak, is not being judgmental. I think we can help others by being tactful and still tell them the truth. I can do this easier with strangers than family and friends and far easier when asked my opinion about something.
A happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
Blessings,
Avis
This is a great article. Of course we should not judge others, or especially not engage in gay bashing and hate crimes ( which seems to be the topic here as of late). But there is a difference between defending God's law and judging or hating others based on sexual orientation. For example: I believe that gays should be able to have Civil Unions, but not be married in the church, simply because God says that it is a sin. And I think that he does so for a reason..If we bend one law, then human beings will inevitably bend this even further and extend it to other laws. This all creates a society where sexual promiscuity is deemed OK. It is an unfortunate situation for those who have been reared to be gay, or who have significant masculine or effeminate affinities. But could this be hormonal? On the other hand there are indeed those who engage in perversity, and perhaps become gay or bisexual because "unnatural acts kill the taste for natural ones." To deny that is very, very naive.On the other hand, there is no excuse for violence or hatred. These are very complicated issues, but people need to differentiate those who judge from those who are just simply defending God's word. Or should we believe that we know better than God, or that he was or is somehow without understanding?Another example is why premarital sex is also a sin. It is a sin because this helps protect women from pregnancies that are not supported by the fathers of these pregnancies. There are more reasons as to why this is self protecting, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.JenniferJennifer, I love your point here:...people need to differentiate those who judge from those who are just simply defending God's word.There is a huge difference!! The Word clearly and repeatedly tells us not to judge others. Nowhere are we instructed to keep silent or not speak out against injustice, sin, hatred, and evil. That is our duty. Unfortunately, some Christians allow their righteous anger turn into judgement and hatred. So you are absolutely right--people need to differentiate between the two and ask the Lord to search their hearts.Thank you very much for sharing your insight. Krystal
Yes, sometimes we see ourselves in others, and when we judge them we are really judging ourselves.
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